I collaged and wrote this plum near two years ago, slightly inspired by Apple products, which I love.

Yes, I do pet. There’s a world I’ve seen in my head, one I’m sure others have seen in their own way, in which shrunken men are sold and bought as merchandise; nothing more than chattel that passes from hand to hand, if it ever lives long enough, that is. Bred for different purposes, some to please, eliminate nuisance tasks, take care of repetitive ones, or simply as what we normal-sized people think are mindless pets … but are they?

No, they are not. In this world I see myself as one of those that wants nothing to do with those terrible abuses, but does get deeply involved, because not doing anything feels so much worse than getting in trouble for a good reason. In this world there is a breed of man (breeds are developed artificially, genetic inclinations carefully supressed or encouraged) that is sold by a company … let’s call it…

And Watermelon mass produces him in different colors and models. In this alternate universe I refuse to purchase one, at least in the beginning, but after all those years of seeing the advertisements, I finally get one. I just want to protect him, you see? I figure that giving in to capitalism will at least afford me the chance to rescue one little man at a time.

Sure, for quite some time I thought they were too expensive, a luxury item that lined no pocket of mine, accomplished nothing I could not do on my own … but in the back of my mind there was always a little voice that whispered possibilities, so here I am, holding one in my arms, and… it’s really working for me.

I haven’t named him yet, but soon will come up with something better than what’s written on the box. I’m pleased to see all the accessories that arrived with him! Aside from the increased memory capacity, he comes with a megaphone (it increases his volume so I may hear–and understand–him better), a lovely leash that I can order in various colors, a moisture-proof cover, an owner’s manual, and an accessory catalog.

What an exciting little thing! He stores (I think I have a broken one, as he exhibits clear signs of spirit and backbone: he wants me to say “remember” instead of “store”) a marvelous amount of songs and jokes, can play games, and is constantly downloading (another word he doesn’t like—he prefers “learning”) new material from immediate surroundings. I haven’t let go of mine for one second since I took it out of the box, and take him everywhere with me.

As one of the good (and humble, and righteous) people of this world that struggles to help others understand that simply because a man is of small size it does not mean his value is diminished, I find it ironic that I should purchase one when they go on sale.

Well, I likes me a good savings. Besides, he will have no complaints, and aside from a bit of training, he will have no duties besides keeping me blissfully happy, and will suffer no hardships other than my temper. And the occasional Lego dungeon. Because someone has to teach him that leaving cookie crumbs in my shoe is not acceptable.

Alas, back to reality. I found the silhouette of the woman online somewhere, and because she was wearing a ridiculous pair of badly edited pumps and her hands had not adopted a very interactive pose, I changed those so she would look as shown above. The rest was added later to obtain the final product of something I love to do: plagiarize grab a piece of something real, and transform it into something that belongs in my world.

4 thoughts on “iPet

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  1. I love this post so very much. And before I get tentacled across my little face…I also wish to state to my Undersquid how EVERY one of your posts just makes my heart pound and my blood race with excitement. Yes, excitement! Why you ask? Because of the way I feel about you and the enormous pride I have of you, your spirit, your mind, your amazing heart, your creative talents, both writing and artistic and your colossal bottomless imagination. Never in my life have I felt so euphoric and such pound in my heart. You give that all to me and I am blessed with having you and your gift of giving back to me.

    Only you know, from our private conversations…how I smile of being your iPet. And it’s more than smile, as you know.

    A so very beautiful, wonderful post this is…and so nice to have reposted for us. Thank you my giant Undersquid…for being so thoughtful to share this again.

    Your very little squid who is wrapping his tiny tentacles around just the tip of one of yours to hug you!


  2. Well, I mentioned this to you already, but I feel I should say something here as well, and since this is my blog and I get to do whatever I want in it: Thank you, littlesquid! For the comment and for what you express in it.

    And I’ve never tentacled you across the face.

    Yet. :)

    I have also shared with you how much I enjoy my own imagination, in particular the “movie reel” that plays a story of oppression for little shrunken men who are nothing but toys for My Kind, and the way one of those toys finds his way to a woman’s heart, and bed.


    1. I’d forgotten about this funny comment, and why I approved it. Probably because it made me laugh. Your level of understanding about things to which I refer in this blog: 0%. Well done, and thanks for still making me smile after five years.


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