Giantess of the Year

Some people enjoy reading alternate reality books about what might have been if Hitler’s Germany had won the war. Others have fun perusing invented news such as The Onion (which has lost much of its flavor lately). I like thinking about how things would be if men were very small, or if women were far taller than they are.

In that world, things are very different, but Hollywood’s timeline remains the same, and the movies it churns out only vary slightly in content and name. In them, Rick never gets to tell Ilsa to hop on that plane, because “where he’s going, she cannot follow” (in fact that’s one of the two lines that really annoy me in that wonderful movie). But what if she looked all the way down at him and said… “What I’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of, little one, so into my pocket you go!” Aah… much better.

What? As if you’ve never imagined a giantess trampling Nazis. Puh-leez.

And Seth Lord is never allowed to blame his own daughter Tracy for his inability to keep it in his pants (another awful moment in an otherwise amazing movie); and Lauren Bacall, Marilyn Monroe, and Betty Grable never play fortune hunters, but possessors.

In my world and in the real one, Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy make magic on the screen just as effectively, and as they are two of my favorite actors, I couldn’t help but alter the above image as I did when I found it.