Giantess of the Year

Giantess of the Year
Giantess of the Year

Some people enjoy reading alternate reality books about what might have been if Hitler’s Germany had won the war. Others have fun perusing invented news such as The Onion (which has lost much of its flavor lately). I like thinking about how things would be if men were very small, or if women were far taller than they are.

In that world things are very different, but Hollywood’s time line remains the same, and the movies it churns out only vary slightly in content and name. In them Rick never gets to tell Ilsa to hop on that plane, because “where he’s going, she cannot follow” (in fact that’s one of the two lines that really annoy me in that wonderful movie). But what if she looked all the way down at him and said… “What I’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of, little one, so into my pocket you go!” Aah… much better.

What? As if you’ve never imagined a giantess trampling Nazis. Puh-leez.

And Seth Lord is never allowed to blame his own daughter Tracy for his inability to keep it in his pants (another awful moment in an otherwise amazing movie); and Lauren Bacall, Marilyn Monroe and Betty Grable never play fortune hunters, but possessors.

In my world and in the real one, Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy electrify the screen just as effectively, and as they are two of my favorite actors, I couldn’t help but alter the above image as I did when I found it.

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4 thoughts on “Giantess of the Year

  1. I’m trying to think of old movies this would change… I went straight to Arsenic and Old Lace, which unfortunately turned two kindly old biddies into two enormous elderly aunties who view baking transients into tartlets as an act of mercy. Mortimer forestalls his own wedding because he’s afraid he’s going to become gigantic, but then it turns out he doesn’t.

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  2. Hahah! I love that movie. I like to think of Bringing Up Baby, in which Cary Grant is a paleontologist who’s unearthed the bones of a giantess, and is putting them together when he receives the very last bone he needs to complete the work. The bone is radioactive, which OF COURSE has the effect of shrinking him. Screwball hilarity ensues.

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