Bones – Yanks in the U.K.

Bones debuted its fourth season a couple of weeks ago. As I don’t have cable service I forgot all about it until Amazon.com sent me an email about the fir$t epi$ode’$ download availability. The very idea…! Being who I am, I looked for the free online video. I’m perfectly willing to pay for the whole season when it’s released, but until then I’m not gonna clog my Mac with TV series, when I need the space for really important things, such as shrunken men collages.

So I sat down one night and began to watch the entire thing, from beginning to end. My first thought was, “Sooo… Zach was really a bad guy then? It wasn’t some sort of trick, or joke, or test of faith, like the dinosaur fossils?” See, I kept waiting for the punchline on that one. Yes, I know it’s just a TV show, and I hate TV and all that, but… this is Zach I’m talking about.

Not only was his character smart and well spoken (English not being my native language, I practiced word pronunciations after his speech patterns), but from day one he was part of the glue that kept the fictitious Jeffersonian team cohesive, that moved in perfect unison with the rest of each episode in dialogue, in behavior, in comic release… He was King of the Lab!

Just as Zach could identify patterns with a single glance, he fit into the Bones group causing no double take, no itchy annoyance in the back of my mind. The entire season debut was a huge rash covering 80% of my brain. I had to look up the show to make sure the writers were still the same. It isn’t a new thing that sometimes successful TV shows start up a new season with weak episodes. Numb3rs comes to mind, after that Sliders woman moved on. I can’t watch it anymore, as it’s now populated by clichés surrounding the main characters.

I’m not saying the entire thing was terrible… but the forensic workload was predictable, and not prominent enough. I love it when Hodgins enumerates particulate after particulate, and all I can remember is some crushed coral that Bones recognized herself. The whole puzzling after microscopic bits of evidence was missing, or maybe I didn’t get the chemistry that’s always been there between Zach and Hodgins. Oh, I’ll be bellyaching about for at least three more days.

Bones Aerial
Bones aerial

There were some good moments, two of those I’ve screen-captured here, for the happy memories. I love aerial shots in photography and film because they are a wonderful window to how things would look to me were I seriously tall. A few minutes into the season there was such a shot. See the tiny little red car in the center of the picture? That’s Booth’s rental, and standing next to it you’ll see the man himself, screaming in the middle of the street because he’s frustrated with London traffic.

Whatever. I wasn’t paying any attention to that. Instead, in my head I was making calculations as to my fictional height when standing on the camera’s spot. I put me at +100 ft. in height, the average person down there about three inches in length. Fabulous. There would be enough space between buildings for me to walk along streets, and I’d be tall enough to look over plenty of buildings. Or walk over them. Why cross the street when I can cross the building?

That was a nice moment for my imagination. Another one didn’t have anything to do with being a giantess, but with my love for guns. Seeley Booth carried no weapon in England, but once he became part of a murder investigation, he requested a weapon. The inspector that provided him with one handed him this beautiful box with an even more beautiful firearm in it, a Walther PPK.

A fabulous Walther PPK
A fabulous Walther PPK

That’s a James Bond weapon, not that it matters because James Bond is a big fat fictional jerk. The Walther PP was originally manufactured in Germany (Polizeipistol—allegedly what Hitler shot himself with), and it has a few variants. The PPK is one of them, and one I certainly lust for. Slim, light, with a couple of possible calibers as ammo, it’s one of the best choices for concealed carrying, and if I owned one I’d probably sleep with it too. Another model, produced in association with S&W, the PPS, only measures 1.04″ in width. I could sleep with that one too, and not even feel it until I have to blow the brains of a home intruder. I’ve read it’s a fun competition firearm as well.

But for that I’d have to “settle” for the PPK, as the magazines are cheaper, and my money doesn’t grow on trees. The PPK will probably be the first contemporary weapon I purchase… before that I might shop around for an antiquity. Less money, loads of history.

Back to Bones: the lackluster opening episode doesn’t mean I’ll stop watching it. Right now it’s still my favorite show.

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