Hot Fuzz

This is something else I posted in my old blog last year. I feel I should be embarrassed to show how often I save what I type… but I’m not.

Achtung! Verboten! Here there be spoylers…

I don’t watch many movies in theaters. I usually wait until they come out on tape. One small reason for that is my deep dislike of People That Talk In The Theater. They are the foundation for my wish to grow while in a movie theater so I can stomp them dead, or simply sit in front of them. Who would dare complain when a hundred-foot-tall woman rips off the theater roof and moves her shape in front so as to block the view of everything? Well, little ones can always watch the movie projected on my back. And boy, they wouldn’t make a peep.

Last week I rented Hot Fuzz. I had seen the trailer on another DVD and then forgotten all about it. I loved Shawn of the Dead, but had no idea what to expect here. I was entertained from the second it began playing. The soundtrack opened its floodgates, and Adam Ant’s Goody Two Shoes had the perfect wave to introduce Nicholas Angel’s pristine policeman-ness. Officerness.

Much to my delight, I found out that Jim Broadbent is in it. There’s no part he plays that I don’t like. His voice, the way he intones words, the manner in which he transforms script with his voice so that each syllable contains humor, his gliding into scenes, the way his body language supports everything he says, as though every muscle in his body knows how to tell a joke… he’s great, and made it so that I enjoyed this movie ten times as much.

Guns, explosions, fights, blood, murder, axes, decaffeinations, this movie has it all, and not one annoying sex or kissing scene that gets in the way of the rhythm. I like romantic movies, but the truth that some idiotic women-are-from-Venus articles try to dispel is that we women like action flicks too. We love them. My favorite Braveheart scene is when all the battling is taking place. The beginning of Gladiator, with all the blood and limbs flying off. The best part of Enemy at the Gates involves a Mosin-Nagant and sniper shots. The war scenes in Windtakers are only second to the descriptions of the code. But I love codes. Anyway, good movie.

But I would have never imagined that while watching it my jaw would drop and I would be hurled into one of my very special thoughts in being a giantess. It started when Angel and Butterman Jr. swerved the police car to avoid hitting the swan, and chased Butterman Sr. and Skinner into the model village. Oh, man…

Cover your children's eyes, for this image is my porn. Slutty Model Villages #15
Cover your children’s eyes, for this image is my pron. Slutty Model Villages #15

Doing a leg split for the first time. That’s the best way to describe how my mind felt; like a truncating in two parts. One was watching the movie, and the other had begun to run a duplicate sequence, except the characters in it were not men, and were not normal sized. In my head there were two giantesses, many hundreds of feet in height, fighting to the death, and I was one of them.

See, I really like the idea of fighting an evil giantess hard enough to kill her if I have to, in order to protect what’s mine, which in this case is the very town we both destroy as we fight. I don’t like destruction, so I’m not exactly sure how that figures into my fantasy computations. I think it has something to do with a demonstration of commitment to protect. The more I toss her about, the more energy I’m devoting to her demise.

It’s never gonna make any sense. Whatever. Who cares? I think many of us have super hero fantasies every once in a while at least at one point in our lives, especially when we are children. I no longer find myself thinking about it as often as I used to, but that’s understandable. I had to suspend my giantess campaign to save the economy.

As I imagine it, I hurl her onto buildings, flattening them (and the people inside) as she falls. She gets up and dives for me. I try talking some sense into her in the beginning, tell her buildings aren’t toys and suggest some healthier alternatives (such as rotting in hell), but she doesn’t want to listen, so here we are now. She punches me but I bring my legs between us and push her away so that she flies off in an arch, landing on… more buildings. It’s my turn to crash onto her, and I straddle her torso, driving my fist into her face again and again. I keep breaking more of her until she finally expires, and the town is made safe.

What’s left of it, anyway.

Then my attention returns to the movie, and I see Timothy Dalton’s head on a spire. Excellent movie.

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