Bones – The He in the She

Yep, I still love Bones. This episode opened with two half-baked fellows floating on the cloud of some undefined drug and sitting on the rocky edge of the water when the remains of a body (half of it, to be precise) wash off near them.

I still love Bones, but Sweets is annoying. I’m not sure why, but that I find him irksome doesn’t mean I don’t want his character in the show. He’s good for laughs and a great antithesis for Booth, who’s displayed patronizing contempt for him several times.

I think the best way for Sweets to leave the show (and I don’t want him to) would be for a serial killer to get his hands on him. At this point that’s the only way he’ll gain any of my sympathy, especially if his death brings back Zach. Zaaaaaach!!!

SlinkyNote to self: buy self a Slinky.

The part of Zach was played by Mr. Nigel-Murray, one bright grad student of forensic anthropology, his first name Vincent but called vino delectable by one of his girlfriends because of how his-

-And we don’t know how that sentence ends because he never finished it, but we can assume it relates to his flavor, and how good it is. I assume he stays away from coffee and strong-flavored foods, which can ruin a man’s sweetness and render him unlicked (and unliked).

Speaking of licking, I didn’t know tongue prints are as distinctive as fingerprints. In Advances in Biometrics it is stated that both tongue prints and the shape of the tongue can be successfully applied for identity verification, which gives me a hilarious image of people sticking out their tongues in order to obtain access to their bank accounts, or entry to art performances for which they have paid, etc.

That’s something cool I learned because of Bones as Mr. Nigel-Murray unnecessarily provided tidbits of random information, but not what was used to identify the victim. The serial number in the mammary implant found with the remains provided that, and it was only one sign the victim had undergone elective violence of cosmetic surgery. Another one was the eye sockets (or supraorbital limbi, if you want to get technical), which had been ground down long before death took place.

But now I interrupt this entry with the episode’s first aerial, also known as My Porn because aerial shots give me a delicious perspective on what it would be like to be a very tall giantess, one casually strolling near the United States Capitol building, which only rises to 289 feet.

Here Id put me over 300 feet in height.
Here I'd put me at over 300' in height.

But why stop there when I can grow much taller? I interrupt this interruption to reveal that this episode of Bones contains a scene of a mega giantess as she carefully tiptoes her way through Washington, D.C. because she’s not mindlessly murderous despite what you might think.

She knows what she’s doing as she avoids traffic and people and reaches Sweets’ office, bringing down one colossal foot down on it, flattening it instantly as he watches from his window and tugs furiously at his Slinky, only realizing his fate when it’s too late to escape. And who is that mega giantess?

Me, of course! It’s squishy time!

Why 300 feet tall when I can reach much greater heights?
Why 300' tall when I can reach much greater heights?

*sighs* If only the above were true.

Here are some other things I learned because of Bones:

  • I didn’t know what pelagic meant. Etymology: Latin pelagicus, from Greek pelagikos, from pelagos sea. Date: circa 1656. Of, relating to, or living or occurring in the open sea, such as “pelagic sediment”. Well, that explains the word “archipelago”. I love word origins.
  • The American shad flesh, despised by some and appreciated by others, was considered a delicacy in the 1800s, but that’s not what’s important about this fish. What you must know is that the male weighs 1-3 pounds, and the female is generally 3-8 pounds, therefore sexually dismorphic in that awesome way that we giantesses are.
  • Being topless is illegal in Liverpool unless you are a saleswoman at a tropical fish store. Now, there are such stores in Liverpool, but last I checked no one has taken advantage of this legal idiocy, if it’s true at all.
  • Is it true that women blink twice as often as men? I’m not going to go along with that until I see some scientific evidence. There’s a purpose for blinking and I know I do it very often because of the sad state of my contact lenses.
  • Gunwale is pronounced gunnel. Seriously, what’s up with that? It’s a miracle I ever learned English, and I still remember when I thought Newfoundland was pronounced new, found, land; and don’t get me started on Worcestershire.
  • Catholic also means broad in tastes, sympathies, or interests, such as “a catholic enjoyment of shrinking fantasies”.

One more reason I enjoy Bones so much is the banter between Bones and Booth about religion or sexuality. Bones is always open to debating the rituals she observes, sometimes as they are happening, and Booth stands firm in his Catholic (as in Roman) beliefs even though Bones renders him speechless, which is what she did when comparing the “vanity” of a pastor undergoing plastic surgery, and that one of the Pope wearing expensive articles of clothing.

I do remember when I was a child and received the Eucharist, thinking secretly that it didn’t taste anything like blood, and wondering what gave the priest the arrogance to state (not in these words) he had done anything at a molecular level to alter what clearly tasted like sour grapes.

Not the Aesop ones.

Back to the show: the other half of the body is found, and if you ever find the lower remains of a body, you’ll be able to tell if they are female when you find a ventral arc, a ridge of bone in the pubis that’s not found in males. They have their own ridges of bone in their heart-shaped pelvic girdle, but getting into that would only be fun for me.

Anyway, a flustered Booth appears to get bent out of shape when the lower half of the victim turns out to be male; it turns out it costs about $25,000 in Thailand to get a sex change operation; a point is made about Zach being locked up for the rest of his life (Zaaaaaach!!!); only 1% of all deaths are murders (an astronomical percentage); all tributaries to the most beautiful thing that was said during the episode: bodies are like book dust covers.

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