Dwarfs are not five inches tall

My new next-door neighbor is a nice-looking gentleman, but I wish he were twenty years younger. He’s in pretty good shape, to be hauling all those boxes and furniture up a hilly driveway all by himself… but he’s not going to be sparking any fantasies. The guy I saw yesterday at the grocery store is another story. Boy, he was hot. Looked a lot like David Sutcliffe, who played Christopher on The Gilmore Girls, a show I will never, ever admit to having ever watched, or forced family members to watch with me, OK? Anyway, the grocery-store guy sparked shrinking fantasies right away.

And the above has nothing to do with the short video of the dwarfs getting ready to pummel Snow White into a bloody mess, before they found out the home invader was a girl. When I was a toddler learning to read, I was convinced that the Snow White described in the Grimm tales, had broken and entered into the nearly dollhouse-sized home of men that were five inches in height. I have no idea why I pictured them that minute. When the story was read to me, and I listened to the description of what Snow White was doing, everything she saw sounded so delightfully small to me. When she lined up those little beds together, I figured there was only enough length to those beds to barely fit her length. I loved it.

When she cleaned and cooked for them as they picked and pocked their workday away, I imagined tiny rooms, and tinier pots and pans. So, imagine my tremendous disappointment when I was taken to see Disney’s Snow White, and I saw that the seven dwarfs are colossal, unwieldy human beings that did not look at all like this:

And to add insult to injury, in the end she storms off with that horrid Prince, instead of absconding with one of the should-have-been-hot dwarfs. At one point in my adult life, I read a sci fi retelling of Snow White in which she does fuck the brains off a half-sized man, so imagine my delight. If I ever re-retell that story, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do: the Dwarfs will all be two inches tall, and all she’ll have to do to clean that little cottage in the woods is blow, and she will crush that witch under the sole of her foot, and one of the Dwarfs, the one she has a not-so-secret crush on, will revive her with a kiss on her lips. No, not those lips.

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6 thoughts on “Dwarfs are not five inches tall

  1. I’ve only seen one or two episodes of Gilmore Girls (I have a raging crush on Lauren Graham). One of our local coffee shops temporarily redecorated itself as Luke’s Diner (i.e., applied a suction-cup sign to the front window) to observe the series getting picked up again, I believe. I accompanied a coworker to it, as they were giving out free cups of coffee, but the line wound around the freakin’ block so after ten minutes we gave up.

    I’m interested to note you prefer the classical spelling of “dwarfs” and not Tolkien’s version, “dwarves”. Conscious decision on your part?

    We both have shrinking fantasies, but you have the advantage in yours. You can pick someone out, shrink them down, and abscond with them with no resistance. Me, I can pick out someone attractive, but should I present myself to her, I have no way of predicting whether she’ll scream and stomp me on the spot, drop me off at a doctor’s office, bring me home for torture and misplaced revenge, or (slim chance) lock me into a warm, affectionate relationship… if she notices me at all. If some other idiot doesn’t snatch me up first.

    And I’m on the edge of my seat for your Snow White redux. I could… lose myself in such a retelling.

    • I’m glad you gave up. I can’t tell you how dangerous lines are for little people. You can get trampled, stepped over, kidnapped… basically, you get no respect. And I can’t imagine how you would have carried those giant cups of coffee back to your workspace.

      Yes, I chose the Disney spelling, rather than the one I started using when I began to wrote this blog entry.

      Don’t be too sure I have the advantage in mine. As much as I can choose my vict- my subject, shrink him down, and take him home with me, if he doesn’t have the capacity to adapt to his new circumstances, then he’ll be an extremely annoying new toy.

      “When can I go home?”

      “I don’t like you.”

      “I only like blondes.”

      “Why don’t you shave your legs more often?”

      “I miss my girlfriend/wife. She’s so pretty. Can you do this to her too, and bring her here so I’m not so bored?”

      “This food is terrible. Why can’t you learn how to cook? My mom has a really good recipe for this.”

      “My bed is itchy.”

      “I’m not touching that. It’s too big. And I’m not going in there!”

      Forget it. I have this series of three collages I’m working on, that I’ll upload in three, ten years, titled Little Asshole, about little men that behave appalingly. I’m sure you’ve met a few of them along the way.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, I wasn’t standing on the ground! My coworker very generously pocketed me in her jacket (though she was churlish on visiting me with her fingers, if I have any complaints). We went to another cafe for undoubtedly better coffee. I got to impress her and the barista with my little “No soy latte! Soy capitán!” joke, the insistence of which apparently gets cuter with the reduced height.

        Ugh, I have no tolerance for any little man who becomes too demanding in the care of a lady! Pop their sullen heads off like dandelions, I say, or sell them to a Balkan webcam porn studio. Then they’ll learn gratitude. I can’t stand it when someone is given my dearest dream and they behave like an entitled eleven-year-old. Yes, sure, it’s not for everyone, but… I’m reminded of that Talking Heads song: “If this is Paradise, I wish I had a lawn mower.”

        Yes, I am very critical of other tiny men. I’ve conducted polls, asking giantesses about their least-favorite behavior, in the hopes that other tiny men would take the hint, but I don’t think I’ve moved the needle at all. I assure you, I’m doing my best to improve conditions for both my people and yours.

        Liked by 1 person

        • That *little* joke would get you a thunderous groan from me, you’d feel to the very center of your spine. I miss coffee right now. Three hours of yard work, and I’m plum tuckered out.

          That sounds like a real job position in our world. Condition Improver? Captain of Improvement. Nah… I’ll have to think about that one.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. While we’re at it, let’s also get the Oompa-Loompas out of the “little people” category. They’re disappointingly tall, and in the 1971 version of “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” just creepy. ….. p

    Liked by 1 person

    • Agreed. As I always say, why can’t these differently-sized people be adequately represented in movies? Instead of the grotesque shapes we always see, they could be made to looks very appealing. That would be so much better for people like us, that hope to rent, stream, buy these movies in then hopes we’ll have fodder for our…thinking, meditating sessions. Yeah, those.

      Liked by 1 person

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