My new next-door neighbor is a nice-looking gentleman, but I wish he were twenty years younger. He’s in pretty good shape, to be hauling all those boxes and furniture up a hilly driveway all by himself… but he’s not going to be sparking any fantasies. The guy I saw yesterday at the grocery store is another story. Boy, he was hot. Looked a lot like David Sutcliffe, who played Christopher on The Gilmore Girls, a show I will never, ever admit to having ever watched, or forced family members to watch with me, OK? Anyway, the grocery-store guy sparked shrinking fantasies right away.
And the above has nothing to do with the short video of the dwarfs getting ready to pummel Snow White into a bloody mess, before they found out the home invader was a girl. When I was a toddler learning to read, I was convinced that the Snow White described in the Grimm tales, had broken and entered into the nearly dollhouse-sized home of men that were five inches in height. I have no idea why I pictured them that minute. When the story was read to me, and I listened to the description of what Snow White was doing, everything she saw sounded so delightfully small to me. When she lined up those little beds together, I figured there was only enough length to those beds to barely fit her length. I loved it.
When she cleaned and cooked for them as they picked and pocked their workday away, I imagined tiny rooms, and tinier pots and pans. So, imagine my tremendous disappointment when I was taken to see Disney’s Snow White, and I saw that the seven dwarfs are colossal, unwieldy human beings that did not look at all like this:
And to add insult to injury, in the end she storms off with that horrid Prince, instead of absconding with one of the should-have-been-hot dwarfs. At one point in my adult life, I read a sci fi retelling of Snow White in which she does fuck the brains off a half-sized man, so imagine my delight. If I ever re-retell that story, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do: the Dwarfs will all be two inches tall, and all she’ll have to do to clean that little cottage in the woods is blow, and she will crush that witch under the sole of her foot, and one of the Dwarfs, the one she has a not-so-secret crush on, will revive her with a kiss on her lips. No, not those lips.