A phone conversation

Some months ago I wrote this, and when I created this new blog, all my old blog images disappeared. When I imported them again, they did not link to their corresponding posts. I’m slowly updating each image link, which not only is a drag, but also spontaneously retweets old posts when I do.

My point is, the Family Video post was auto-Twitted, and that’s how pedro spotted it, and was inspired to create the following dialogue. I love imagined conversation between a woman and a tiny man, so I had to post his comment. While the following version of Undersquid is not exactly Me, she’s close enough for giantess work.

*Ring ring* *Ring ring*

U – “Hello, Undersquid speaking.”

C – “Er, hi. My name’s Carl. I’m calling about the apartment to let. The, er, room-share. Am I through to the right number?”

U – “You are. I’m Undersquid, the person you’d be sharing with. But before we chat about the apartment, I just need to ask something.”

C – “Is it about the requirement you put in your ad? I have to be no more than three inches in height to qualify for the apartment, is that right?”

U – “That’s exactly right. Now I’ve been burned a few times on this already; hilarious men with tiny penises thinking they qualify. So before we go on, do you fill the height requirement or do you just ‘have three inches for me right here’”?

C – “Oh I definitely qualify. I’m exactly two and two eighths of an inch tall. I’m actually the biggest in my family. My brother’s only two and one eighth of an inch tall.”

U – “OK great, finally! So, Carl, when you say you’re two and two eighths of an inch tall, what do you mean exactly?”

C – “I’m sorry?”

U – “Let’s imagine for a moment that I don’t understand measurements or numbers, so I need you to explain to me how tall you are using… different words.”

C – “Well I… er… I guess I’m just a bit shorter than a typical woman’s thumb, and usually a bit longer than her big toe. Does that help?”

U – “That’s very good, yes, but keep going. Are you so small that I’d barely be able to see you at all?”

C – “No, I’m quite visible.”

U – “But only just, right? I mean, I’d have to use a magnifying glass or something, yes?”

C – “Well I guess if you wanted to see me in detail you would.”

U – “Good. Keep going.”

C – “What, keep telling you how small I am?”

U – “Yes. It’s very important if we’re going to live together that I know exactly how small you are.”

C – “Well, erm, OK. Er… if you’re wearing shoes then I’d probably be a bit taller than the toe section. Aaaaand my legs are about an inch long so I can walk around, say, seventy metres in an hour.”

U – “Ooh, seventy metres you say? That is far.”

C – “Thank you, that’s what I always say. My ex always complained that after an hour’s walk, she’d be three miles away and I’d still be on our street.”

U – “Well she sounds like an idiot. Let’s just forget about her. Never mention her again. So you’re single then?”

C – “I am, have been for a while now. Women don’t seem to be that into a guy my size.”

U – “Oh I wouldn’t say that, Carl. I’m sure you’re very desirable. But don’t let me interrupt – you were saying…”

C – “I was?”

U – “About how small you are.”

C – “Oh, right. Well I’m not sure what else I can say about that.”

U – “Oh come on Carl, don’t let me down now. Try comparing yourself to me, for example.”

C – “Well we haven’t met, but if you’re the typical height for a woman, I’d say that compared to you I’m just a speck really, a miniscule particle of a man. Just a molecule next to you.”

U – “Yes that’s it. Go on.”

C – “Well you could hold me in the palm of your hand and be barely able to feel me there. I could fight and struggle against your grasp but wouldn’t stand a chance against you.”

U – “Mmmmmmm, yes, not a chance.”

C – “My clothes would shred between your fingers, and you could do absolutely anything you wanted to me.”

U – “Oh I could… I would.”

C – “Then when you were done you could walk away from me and my little legs would run after you as fast as they could, but for me it would be like chasing the very sun the across the sky. I would never catch up until you came around again and shone your light down on me.”

U – “That’s it, mmmmmmmm. I’m the sun.”

C – “Yes you are, and I’m like a tiny distant moon orbiting you.”

U – “Oh Carl, the apartment’s yours. When are you coming? Right now?”

C – “Er wait. I haven’t asked any of my questions.”

U – *sigh* “OK, ask away.”

C – “Well, most importantly, what’s the rent? I don’t have a lot of money you see.”

U – “Money? Oh don’t worry about that. I’m sure we can work something out? Payment in kind if you will. Say, are you very strong Carl? And tell me more about this brother of yours.”

7 thoughts on “A phone conversation

Add yours

  1. That’s hilarious. I liked where that went. I could see you just taking inquiries all week long.
    “Did I get the place?”
    “Still weighing my options, sorry. Call back in an hour and pretend we haven’t spoken yet.”

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, c’mon! That makes it sound as though that imaginary Undersquid isn’t really looking for a “roommate”, which, as I’ve only recently learned, is just an euphemism for girlfriend (or boyfriend).

      Imaginary Undersquid only has that tiny man’s best interests at heart.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There’s no question Imaginary Undersquid will end up with a roommate. That is the goal she is homing in on, and it will inevitably happen. Now, whether that’s a circuitous, meandering journey fraught with repeated phone calls, many of which come in late at night and transmitting no information beyond a variety of scripts the callers have been emailed, why, no one can plainly say.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Fantastic. Phones are the great equalizers in size change. As he chats with you, he’s blissfully unaware that you’re holding something in your hand that’s darn close to his scale. One imagines your grip tightening slowly throughout the conversation… ^^

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Oh, I’m sure I’m just holding his copy of the house key he’ll need when he moves in. Legally need, anyway. There’s no way he can carry that key with him anywhere. It’s as long as he’s tall… but do I care? Nope. I’ll take great delight in handing him that giant-to-him key when he signs the residential lease agreement (again, with a giant pen I provide, on a giant document he’s forced to roam in order to read in its entirety).

      Liked by 1 person

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